You may notice from the dates, that it’s been over a month since I’ve posted on my website. If you follow my Instagram or Facebook page you’ll see that I’ve not been that active recently either. As I explained in my last post ‘I’ll Twinkle Thanks‘ sometimes I need to go into myself for a short time to re-energise my sparkle! I could also argue that time has got the better of me, what with another lockdown birthday for the little misses and trying to sort out life as we come out of lockdown. But I think that’s all just excuses.

The truth is, life has got the better of me recently and I’ve been feeling a little lost. To make up for my absence, I’m publishing two articles today so head to my ‘Value’ article and you’ll read some of what I’ve been battling with. I think largely though, like many of us, I’m just coming to terms with the impact the last year has had. Impacts that have gone unnoticed until now; until we’re supposed to resume normality and yet we haven’t been normal for over a year… and I think I’ve forgotten what it is!

For me, a lot of this is around the socialising elements and dealing with other people. For over a year now, the people I’ve encountered on a daily basis have been few and far between. With masks on the school run and social distancing, it’s been easy to become somewhat insular. Even though there are things that have continued, like work, the focus has been on sustaining things so change has not been on the agenda, which has meant minimal conversations at work too. But I’ll come back to people in a minute…

As I’ve said before, my family and I have generally enjoyed lockdown life. Our number one priority is the relationships within our family, so being forced to spend quality time in those relationships, with few to no added extras that can often just be unnecessary expense or distractions, has been no chore. We have lived in our own little happy place for some time now and feeling forced to come out of that feels somewhat uncomfortable.

There are obviously some benefits: like the first hug I had with my Mum a few weeks ago, which was one of those unexpected moments where you realise how much somebody means to you. Being able to walk in to my friend’s house for a cuppa is lovely. But the downside for me is that I find myself feeling somewhat lonely. Not externally, I could easily call a friend to go for a drink, I’m back seeing my colleagues in the flesh and just yesterday I lost an hour and a half having a good old chinwag after the school run. But internally I feel a bit lonely and lost. I’m slowly watching others return to their roles in life with an eagerness that I just don’t have. I’ve watched on proudly as Mr Particular has excelled in his job and been head hunted. I love seeing the little misses grow and develop every day and can only imagine where life might take them. And then I wonder where life’s taking me, where can I be of value?

I am a notorious entrepreneurial planner! I LOVE planning events and businesses and pretty much anything that’s happening in the future which gives me the opportunity to hope and dream! So I guess that’s one thing I lost in lockdown life. As the months went on and events got postponed multiple times, there was little future planning to do. And whilst some of that is back now and I’ve taken full advantage (we have a VERY busy summer!!), I think somewhere I lost my mojo to think BIG. Truth be told, I’ve lost some of my confidence. Not necessarily in my ability to talk to people or to go places but in the ‘what’s my purpose’ question. And that sentence there sums up the question I’ve been pondering.

Most people that have seen and spoken to me in the last few weeks would never know the internal struggle I’ve been wrestling. Not because I put a brave face on it, as such, but because I’m honest with those I can be and polite to those I maybe can’t. But there’s no drama about it all. It is what it is. Life continues and I get on with it, despite my own thoughts and feelings. So does that mean people don’t get the real me? Does that mean I’m hiding behind a cheery façade and therefore may never find my purpose, which I’m certain centres around honesty with people?! No! I think it means that at age 37 I’ve finally learned that emotion is controllable (sometimes!) and that our own challenges can often be small compared to others. That doesn’t make them any less painful but it does make them less dramatic. And I’ve also come to see that it’s wise to share with the few and not the masses – be a radiator not a drain!

A good friend of mine once said he believed you only ever have around six lifelong friends. As in friends that will remain in your life from the minute you meet them until the end. At the time – a social butterfly in my early 20s, devastated if I had a night in with nobody to meet up with – I laughed! I was certain the many friends I had then were for life. How wrong I was! Almost twenty years on, he and one other are the only two still around indefinitely. And there have only been a couple added that I feel confident will still be here in the next twenty. So being thoughtful about who we talk to, who we really open up with, full disclosure, warts and all, is definitely a learned wisdom and nothing to be concerned about.

Yes there are times when I wish I could be free to say what I really think to anybody and everybody. There are people who challenge my insecurities or who push my frustration buttons that I would secretly love to scream an honest rant at, just so they knew what impact they have on others. Because if they knew, they’d change wouldn’t they?

Probably not.

And that would only frustrate me more! They’re on their own journey and this Little Miss Particular is unlikely to swerve that. So I’ll continue to deal with my own thoughts and feelings. Because that’s the life journey really isn’t it? It’s not about trying to change others, it’s about continuously growing and changing ourselves in order to love others… to accept and love everyone. That’s one of the clearest requests God ever made in the Bible and yet it’s probably one of the most difficult to fulfil…

So it’s not a surprise that after hiding away for over a year, embracing the ‘peopley outside’, is a bit of a challenge. With God’s help I hope to be radiating value again soon though…

Maybe I should just go and plan a party or something – who wants to come?!

P.s. I have no idea where I found the image used in this post so big thanks to whoever it belongs to… and if anyone finds this t-shirt, please send me one!