A few months ago, I found myself asking somebody the question: “What value do you see in me?” I’m sure any one walking in on the conversation could have thought it was an incredibly insecure or narcissistic question. In fact when I heard myself say it, I had to double check with myself if it was either of those things but actually, in the context of the conversation it was a really necessary question. Thankfully the answer was a positive one.

Since then, through further necessity, I have had to ask past and present students of mine and their parents, to write references for me. Once again asking the question (though slightly more subtly): “What value do you see in me?” Once again, thankfully, the responses were all positive. I guess that wasn’t much of a surprise as my role as a private Maths tutor would be non-existent if I wasn’t any good at it! But nonetheless, reading what people wrote about me lifted my head a bit higher and boosted my self-esteem. Something I’ve given a lot of thought to as I’ve questioned why I need those comments to feel good about myself, being someone that has worked so hard on self-belief and self-worth… and even writes a blog about it! In doing so, two things have occurred to me:

The first is that when I look back over the last three decades of my life and the lessons I have learnt, I know that my value is already in me. I know that I don’t need affirmation from anybody to understand that I am valuable. So valuable in fact that my creator knows exactly how many hairs there are on my head! I know that I am thoughtful, beautiful, creative, kind… and more importantly that I am enough. I know it but I definitely don’t always feel it! So that’s why those affirmations perk me up because hearing it from someone else speaks to my feelings, not just my thoughts. And as a ‘heart person’ [as my Mum describes me] my feelings often dominate over my thoughts. (Oh to be a ‘head person’!). So it’s not bad to be affirmed by others, it’s not bad to be impacted by those affirmations but they do need to land on a solid ground of self-belief so that they act as reminders, not breaking news. The reason for that is because without the solid ground of knowing yourself and being content to be yourself, our value then just gets built on the opinions of others, which then becomes dangerous because others never have the full story. And if our value is only built on what others think then our value can change, so as quickly as it can be lifted up with a kind word, it can be torn down with a harsh one.

I know that… I am enough

Recently, I’ve also experienced the frustrations of being put down. Not intentionally but just through lack of understanding and mis-communications. And although my feelings take a knock and although it does make me question my value, it doesn’t ultimately change it. Because that solid ground of who I am and the value I have is always there and it will always be a conscious thing for me, so you can overshadow it for a minute but you won’t take it away. Mr Particular is not a big fan of them but this is the exact reason I have a few affirmations around our home… because some times my brain needs a reminder of my value.

The second thought that has been floating around my head with this is that there actually is nothing wrong with knowing that your value extends to others. As much as I don’t need the compliments and affirmations to know my value, I do need to know that my value is of value to someone else. When we run relationship courses, we talk about giving and taking and the importance of doing both. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me for who I am, mindblowingly so, sometimes! I often struggle to understand his acceptance of all things me and it is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t serve to make me complacent in our relationship. It does quite the opposite. In our vows, I committed my life to adding value to his, so it’s good for me to check in every now and again that I’m doing a good job of that and if I’m not, then maybe I need to re-assess!

In my day job as a PA, if I’m not proving to be valuable to my boss then I’m probably not the right person for the job! And in my role as a tutor, it is imperative that the time spent with me is valuable to each student, otherwise I’d need to rethink my business! Then there’s my relationships, all of them… Somebody once told me they came to talk to me because I was a radiator. I had no idea what they were talking about but they explained that radiators are people who give out warmth and comfort. As opposed to drains who are people that take from you and drain what you have. A quick Google search of ’emotional radiator’ will give you more info. I really think we need to be a mixture of both. Sometimes I need someone to listen to me and I need to take some of their warmth and comfort to replenish my own, that’s super normal. We can’t all be radiators all the time but I certainly want to be one most of the time and I certainly don’t want to be likened to a drain, metaphorically or otherwise! So if I’m draining then I’m really sorry and maybe don’t be friends with me. But if I can be of value, then let’s hang out! I don’t want to keep my value to myself… sharing is caring after all.

What is your value based on? Is it based on the truth of ‘you are enough’ and you are the best you there could ever be, “wonderfully and fearfully made”? Or is it based purely on what others think?

Know yourself, know your value, be yourself and be valuable to others (for the right reasons!)