Today is the day I launch Little Miss Particular and I wanted to have at least one post in each of my main three categories. So here I am, having procrastinated for two weeks already, feeling the pressure to write something interesting about parenting.

Usually that would come easy to me but given the current situation we all find ourselves in (lockdown 3.0!), it felt imperative to write about that. The problem is, I want the first few posts you read of mine to be uplifting, pleasant & lighthearted. And yet my feelings about lockdown parenting could not really be classified as lighthearted right now! In fact they are quite the opposite. My heart feels somewhat heavy right now, for several reasons:

Number 1. I’m sure you’ve seen the following quote:

If you have more than one child, that often means watching your heart go in two or more different directions all at the same time. Even identical twins, we’ve learnt, can have surprising and huge differences! Take this morning’s home spelling test, for instance. They’ve both worked hard and we’ve practiced lots – in lockdown home school, ‘spellings’ has come to be one fairly quick task we can have fun with on repeat – which means that, unlike when they’re actually at school, we are rather successful at spelling practice! So it was not a surprise, when the spelling test scores were revealed from behind tiny hands, to see lots of ticks. But then my heart sank as I saw the one missing tick on Little Miss A’s list. At that moment, I watched my heart do two different things at the same time. On my right, there was a mini celebration and a sense of pride, as Little Miss E beamed at her 10 ticks. On my left, there were tears and devastation over that one missing tick… and all because of one confused vowel!

My heart celebrated and commiserated all at the same time in response to the emotions of the test. Emotions that in a class of 25 would likely go unnoticed – or would not even occur given sight of the multitude of other scores achieved in that setting.

And that there, is the number one reason why home schooling is reserved for the very few parents who have the patience of a saint and a hardiness to guard their hearts on a daily basis. Many of us parents at home with our children in this lockdown are intelligent people. Adding, subtracting, sentence writing and whether ice melts in hot water or not, are all basic things we take for granted on a daily basis. And yet I see stories and comments everyday of capable people being broken by a days worth of homeschooling.

I myself am guilty of sending that text to Husbandy!

And, once upon a time, I trained for four years to do this! But I didn’t, actually. I didn’t train to teach little people I love. Yes teachers are supposed to care about the kids in their class but it’s not the same. Their heart doesn’t break when your child’s does. They see a million cuts and bruises everyday and can get away with claiming a cold compress cures everything! It’s not the same as a parent. We have too much of a vested interest and we’re too close.

If you have teenagers you will know this more than me! You can give the wisest piece of advice to your teenager and they’ll throw it back in your face. But another adult they trust can say the same thing and your teen heralds them as the best, most supportive person in the world! I base the success of my tutoring business on this very phenomenon! And I have friends lined up to whisper my advice to our girls when they’re older!

So that’s heavy heart reason number 1 – I’m watching my girls trip up, make mistakes, brush themselves off and try again, every day and all under an intense spotlight on them. It’s called learning and we’re not usually privvy to it… for a reason! And they’re not usually doing without a gang of 20 others… for a reason! You can argue we’ve all been there when they were learning to walk and talk – most of us managed that without needing gin at 10am. But in those days, our kids literally fell over, picked themselves up and started again. They didn’t have the same level of emotions and self-awareness then. Remember, these are little people, trying to work out how to deal with failure and disappointment whilst marking their spelling test. It’s a tough time of life. Do you remember?

And that leads me nicely on to reason Number 2. The text to Husbandy, exhibited above, came not from our girls stressing me out, it was from everyone else! That day, it felt that everywhere I turned there was negativity aimed at the children. Parents, in front of their children (a topic I’ll passionately talk about some other time!) exclaiming they’re counting the days until schools return. Phrases like “driving me crazy” being banded about.

It feels like, I very sadly find myself in the minority of generally having loved the part of lockdown life that has meant spending more time with my family… with two of the best people in my World! Yes it’s hard work sometimes. Spending all your time with anybody is hard work, no matter how much you love them. Then add to that the consideration that the relationship is not an equal one in giving and taking, of course that’s tiring. But that’s not my girls’ fault. That’s just the situation and we shouldn’t put that on them.

Tough love but if your kids are driving you crazy then maybe you need to ask yourself why? If they’re not doing what they’re told then why not. Ultimately is that their fault or yours? I guess the answer to that may depend on the age of your children and a whole other host of things. But with 6yrs old in this house, I remind myself daily that the things that go wrong, even when the munchkins are front and center of it, are usually, ultimately not their fault but mine. Lack of patience, lack of understanding of their understanding, lack… lack… me lacking, not them. But again, that’s a whole other post!

Don’t you remember crying over a spelling test?

So that’s why my heart is heavy. It’s heavy with the emotions of the situation, good and bad. But it’s also heavy with seeing how others view this stuff too. I know it’s a lot easier said than done but in our house we have a saying, coined especially for our munchkins: “Find the happy, forget the sad!”… but I’ll tell you more about that next time!